I believe it was Ben Franklin who coined the phrase "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail." Brilliant quote. Ben needed to redeem himself after campaigning for the turkey as our national bird (might be a myth but riff with me). Think UVA losing to #16 seed UMBC as the overall #1 and then coming back to win the title. That type of redemption.

But make no mistake, you need to prepare for March Madness. Mentally, physically, sexually and emotionally. The casuals look forward to the games, the buzzer beaters, the upsets, the failed vasectomy jokes. That's all surface level. I'm here to provide some detailed tips and tricks that most gloss over. In no particular order of importance:

-Upsets>Your Bracket: This is the guy at the Super Bowl party that won't shut the hell up about his prop bets. This is the obnoxious, drunk guy at a wedding with a tie around his head. This is the guy that absolutely must interject into a conversation to tell you about HIS personal experience and how to deal with it. This is the guy that roots for his bracket over an upset.

Do not be any of the guys above, especially the last. Nobody cares that you have Kentucky winning it all. If they're in a dogfight with Saint Peter's, then we're all with Pete. Do not be the stubborn mule that roots for Kentucky in that situation. March is about upsets and theater. Kentucky beating Saint Peter's is neither. Also don't immediately weep and say your bracket is busted. I assure you it's not based off 1 major upset. The rest of your pool is probably in the same boat as you (good water references right there).

-Get Some Air: I know I said this list isn't in order of priority but this might be the most important piece of advice I can give. You're staring down the barrel of 12 hours of college hoops on back to back days. Don't sit in your own filth all day. Don't have your only steps be from couch to fridge. You need to get some fresh air. Time it however you want but just get outside for 15 minutes, that's all you need but it is absolutely necessary. Walk the dog, quick Bodega run, throw the football around with a friend. Anything will do. If you're a true, grotesque slob then at least crack a window for the love of God.

-Your Job: Most of us are still working from home so if you're not taking the first Thursday & Friday off, then make sure to block off your calendar to avoid any calls (especially hour long calls). If you commit to a meeting or a call, I guarantee you'll miss a JD Notae game winning 3 while you're talking with Kevin from the Big Data team about some useless project plan. Block off your calendar with a few hour long meetings with 30 minutes in between to make it look like there is some free time. Title your blocks something like "reporting" or "training" You should also take it a step further and set your calendar to private. Essentially, make it look like you are swamped on Thursday & Friday. Technically you are.

-The Clicker & TV: How's your thumb? It doin alright? Because it's gonna be working OVERTIME here in March. Make sure to identify the channels for the family of networks that will be airing these games (yes that includes truTV). Make sure you have your commercial channel lined up. Know the rules of the game and broadcast. The second you hear that CBS music or the second there's a whistle under 16,12,8 & 4 minutes, get the hell outta there and go to the other game. Save all the time you can. If your cable provider gives you the last 4 or 5 channels then bless them. Just make sure you're sharp on the clicker and have a gameplan for navigating these games.

-Play To Triple Zeros: Seth Davis is known for his "Sharpie" tweet. Don't be that guy until the clock reads all zeros. Right at the tip of Virginia/UMBC Seth tweeted "Sharpie" and we all saw how that worked out. Play it safe and gloat/whine when the game is completely over. There is no sense in getting Old Takes Exposed. This is the most unpredictable sport in the world in the most chaotic month of the season. Remember this game?

-Stick With What Got You Here: You know when you go to one of your favorite restaurants and you always order the chicken parm but you say to yourself "gosh, I really need to try something new on this menu, it could be great and I might be missing out!" Then after an underwhelming pesto gnocchi you're just sitting there muttering to yourself about how you should've stuck with the chicken parm. Apply that to March.

This is no time to experiment. Load up the same chips, beer, dip, zyn, and whatever else that got you to this point. If you're a sour cream and onion guy, don't go bbq. If you're a peppermint zyn guy, avoid menthol. Cope? Stay away from Grizz.

Get Used To The Same Commercials: Capital One with Chuck, Nantz, Samuel L and Spike. Car commercials. Insurance commercials. Lily over at AT&T. That moving Jersey Mike's commercial about the Special Olympics. The slop that Arby's is still somehow pedaling. All of it will be shoved down your throat. Just embrace it and know it's coming. You're gonna switch from CBS to TBS to TNT to truTV and there will be a very real chance that you see the same commercial at different points on all of those channels. There will be a jingle that will be stuck in your head for the entire weekend. I've had "This Little Light Of Mine" playing on repeat in my cranium for 2 weeks now. Deal with it.

Monday, 3/21 Is Going To Be Hell: Not sure how else I can convey this. One of the worst days of the year. You've been swimming in a sea of basketball off the Amalfi coast but now you're sitting on your ass in some rinky dink shower as cold water barely sprinkles down on your head because the water pressure sucks and the water heater is 30 years old and dead. That's Monday, 3/21.

There is nothing in this world that can properly withdraw you from the first weekend of the tournament. You just gotta rip the band aid off and slog through that day. Like the cab driver to Kevin McCallister in Home Alone, Tuesday aint much better, kid. If you're an adult, you can deal with Wednesday. And then Thursday we're back at it. But just know that Monday you might be reading "Don't Jump!" books like John Beckwith.

Don't Procrastinate:

First game on Thursday will tip at noon EST. Here is the schedule. Life isn't all about college basketball. We have obligations to ourselves and our loved ones. We have responsibilities. I'm 31 years old and despite tweeting about theater incessantly, I promise I have a life outside of hoops. I have a dog, a fiance who loves me I think, a wedding to plan, a house to buy, a job. Simply put I got shit to do and you do as well. Take care of your responsibilities either before the Thursday or early in the morning on that Thursday. Get up early and walk the dog so that they are worn out and aren't restless during the day. Get your groceries before hand. Fire off that email. Do something nice for your spouse. Don't plan on waking up at 11am and just rolling into the games. To the west coast gang, get your affairs in order before Thursday. 9am PST tip doesn't give you a ton of room to operate. Just make sure everything is taken care of and cleaned up because your attention will be on the games.

What else did I miss?